“Imperfection is the key. Imperfections make us individuals; that’s what makes us unique.”
Can’t you just feel your soul give a little sigh of relief at these words from Bicentennial Man’s Oliver Platt? We long to acknowledge and accept our imperfections, those things that make us unique and human. Yet how can we? How can we slow down? How can we cease our striving for perfection?
America’s achievement-oriented culture tends to glorify perfection. You can’t open up social media without being bombarded with pictures and posts trying to get you to do and be “better.” Our clothes, homes, relationships, work, children…the list goes on as perfectionism tries to wriggle its way into every aspect of our lives. Today, we live in a constant battle of never feeling “good enough” and always thinking that we have to do everything in a certain way to achieve success, happiness, and worthiness.
This distorted view of success pressures individuals to meet unrealistic standards, leading to feelings of inadequacy. It causes us to believe that nothing we ever say or do quite meets the mark. Jumping through those hoops of societal expectations can lead to significantly negative impacts on mental health, relationships, and spiritual well-being. Our constant chase for perfectionism can result in anxiety and depression, and we can quickly become burned out as we struggle to reconcile our self-worth with these unattainable ideals.
Understanding Perfectionism
In order to overcome perfectionism, we must first understand it. What is perfectionism, really?
It is thinking that if you just do the right thing, you can attain perfection or flawlessness. When we think this way, we often have a critical eye toward ourselves and others, setting unrealistic standards that no one can meet. We can also become extremely sensitive to the judgment of others. When we think we can be perfect, we develop a fear of failure and can find it difficult to recognize small victories.
Where does this perfectionism come from? Deep-seated insecurities and a desire for approval often influence perfectionism. Our upbringing can heavily influence our tendencies toward perfectionism. If a person is raised in an environment where performance is heavily emphasized, they may grow up to internalize these expectations.
What Causes Perfectionism?
A child from a home where success was measured in A’s, wins, and awards, where parental approval seemed contingent upon such successes, can grow up with a reactionary disposition toward performance. Sometimes, we reject performance to distance ourselves from that upbringing. Conversely, we might embrace and internalize it. That child grows up continually seeking the approval and love that can seemingly only be earned through successful performance.
Cultural norms also play a role in that what is considered “perfect” in one culture may be completely unacceptable in another. In warmer cultures, success or perfection might look like being self-sacrificing and community-oriented. But personal success, even at the expense of the community, seems lauded in colder, more Western, and individualistic cultures. Those personal experiences, such as failure or criticism at foundational times in life, can lead to perfectionism, anxiety, and self-doubt.
Effect on Mental Health
As you have probably gathered by now, perfectionism can hurt mental health. Individuals who struggle with it can have higher levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. Striving to meet unattainable standards can result in burnout. An old adage says that if you won’t rest, God will do it for you. There is some truth to this, as perpetual striving for perfection and the strain that it places on your mind and body can lead to you getting to a point where you just “can’t” anymore. This can result in dramatic changes at home and work.
A perfectionist often has low self-esteem and self-worth, never feeling “good enough.” This constant stress can negatively affect relationships with others, damaging much-needed support networks. It can also lead to feelings of isolation and increased feelings of inadequacy. If you have high and unattainable expectations for others and yourself, you can be just as harsh with them as you can be with yourself. This can drive people away because no one wants to be held up to an unfair standard.
Perfection and Grace: A Biblical Perspective
Thankfully, the Bible has a lot to say about this subject. We must first assume that the only perfect person is Jesus. Believing that we can actually attain perfection is a fallacy.
Secondly, Biblical truth should inform our view of ourselves. We are sinners, saved by grace, adopted into God’s family. According to Ephesians 1, we are the chosen recipients of God’s grace. Grace is defined as unmerited favor; it is kindness and blessing that we did not earn. Our achievements do not define us, nor do our shortcomings. We must show ourselves compassion because God shows us compassion. God does not require us to be perfect at everything we are striving for. He does not care if we are successful at our jobs, if our house is immaculately kept, if we look put together all the time, or if we have the most likes on social media.
God loves us anyway.
In Christian counseling, we are reminded of God’s grace and compassion. God did not create us to bear the burden of perfectionism. Perfectionism calls us to be flawless, but that is impossible. God only calls us to his love, and in his love, we are made whole.
Scripture can tell us a lot about the nature of perfectionism. According to Matthew 5:48, we are called to “be perfect” as our heavenly Father is perfect. However, this is not to encourage perfectionism; instead, this is to give us a goal in our journey of sanctification and spiritual maturity. Psalm 103:14 states that God “knows that we are made of dust.” He understands that we are not going to achieve perfection in this life. Romans 3:23 states that “all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” No one is perfect. We must learn to accept our human imperfections and embrace humility. This helps us accept ourselves and others despite humanity’s many flaws, and both receive and show grace.
Grace-Filled Counseling Approaches
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is an evidence-based therapy that has been proven very effective in addressing perfectionism. Because perfectionism is at its core a pattern of negative beliefs and thought processes, CBT helps to reshape our thoughts by integrating biblical truths to combat the fallacies we have come to believe.
In Christian counseling, we can learn to practice self-compassion to combat perfectionism. We can learn to treat ourselves with kindness, recognizing that we each deserve love and grace. It can also be important to learn anxiety-reducing techniques such as mindfulness and Christian meditation. This can encourage us to be present in the moment so that we can celebrate our small victories and see our failures as small, too. Christian meditation involves not emptying the mind but filling it with Scripture. We then think deeply about one verse or passage, letting each word bring life to our bones.
Expressive therapies, such as expressive art therapy and cinema therapy, can also help us overcome perfectionism. In art therapy, individuals explore their feelings and learn to release their perfectionistic tendencies by focusing on the creative process rather than the final product. We can learn that there is meaning and value in the journey and not just the destination.
In cinema therapy, we can watch and discuss films that show the journey from perfectionism towards self-acceptance. Now, we do need to be selective about which films we choose to let influence our concept of perfection. If you were to hold yourself up to Mary Poppins, who is “practically perfect in every way,” then you walk away feeling worse! In Soul Surfer, on the other hand, we see a girl who loses her arm at the top of her craft. But rather than let her injury and inability to surf perfectly keep her down, she gets back in the water and finds a new way to do what she loves.
Walk-and-talk therapy, typically conducted while out in nature, combines physical movement with conventional talk therapy, resulting in a therapeutic experience. This can release adrenaline and decrease cortisol, negating the body’s anxiety-producing hormones.
Combining Prayer and Counseling
Besides studying Scriptures associated with grace, we cannot neglect prayer as an avenue for healing from perfectionism. In prayer, we can surrender our struggle to the Lord and seek his help to see ourselves as he sees us. Although our perfectionism can harm our personal relationships, we can still seek out community support. Having a humble perspective and admitting our shortcomings to those around us can draw those relationships back. If you honestly express your struggle and ask for forgiveness for how you may have treated those around you, you can potentially repair those damaged relationships and reclaim your support network. Outside your personal network of friends, you can seek support and community from your local church.
In Christian counseling, we address the fear of failure, which can sometimes prevent us from embracing grace. We need to work on accepting that failure is a part of growth and learning to trust in God’s plans and ways. We can also combat negative self-talk by identifying common themes among those thoughts and replacing them with truth from God’s word. Our perfectionism is often related to a desire for control. If we rely on God’s sovereignty, we can develop a sense of peace.
Conclusion
When we embrace grace, we can learn to loosen our grip on the idea of perfectionism. We need to understand the roots of our personal perfectionism and talk them through with a trusted friend or counselor. By doing so, we can remember that since God has shown us grace in Christ, we can show grace to ourselves. We can find healing in our time of need. If you would like to receive a call from a Christian counselor to begin your journey to healing from perfectionism, please contact us today.
Online Therapy in Florida, Idaho, South Carolina, and Utah
At Calming Transformations Counseling, our therapists understand how difficult it can be to manage anxiety, stress, depression, and relationship issues. We can help through online therapy in Florida, Idaho, South Carolina, or Utah or walk and talk therapy in Hillsborough County, Florida. Book an appointment or contact us today to schedule a session and take the first step toward a healthier, happier life. Remember, your mental health is important—take the time to care for yourself.
